Dear horrid person,
I hope this letter finds you in ill-health and extreme agony. You see your being in good health or good spirits for that matter will just get me addicted to antacids. Please do not assume that you are dear to me, that endearment was used just to adhere to the rules of letter writing. And I am a stickler when it comes to rules. Flaunting them is not in my nature, but it is something that you are wont to do, so I do not expect you to understand.
I took me several long months to pen this down, there were a lot of things that needed to be expressed and for that to be done, I needed a clear head. My mind was cluttered, dulled by anger at your betrayal. More so because the one who betrayed was one I considered a friend. Shows how poor a judge of character I am, to have ever considered a venomous snake such as you a friend! Now that I am writing this letter to you, I intend to return the favor you did me. Let’s start by listing all the flaws in you. Please note my intention is not to correct you or for you to reform yourself in any way, you are beyond correction or any form of reforming. In fact, you believe in displaying your flaws publicly and ridiculing others.
First let’s discuss your lack of basic etiquette. You see the kind of society we are from; we need to show some decorum. You in your ill-informed state have decided to take it upon yourself to challenge these norms. Fine, but you still have to listen to another person. No matter what pressing issue you have, you do not start a parallel conversation brushing off the other person as if what he/she has to say is unimportant. You being jealous are one of the causes for such petty behavior. Let me disabuse you of your theory that you are more intelligent than the other person. This also shows your blatant disregard for others and also proves that you are uncivil. Next, the lack of propriety you display in your uncouth behavior. The undignified way with which you carry yourself around is telling of your undeveloped mind. Your ill-fitting clothing and disregard for wardrobe does not make you seem intelligent or evolved, it just says that you’re trying too hard not to fit in. At your advanced age, anybody would think you would’ve learnt a thing or two. But in your case, I do know that’s hoping for too much. Ridiculing a person with a better wardrobe is more your style. I have mentioned before, that your mind is as limited as your wardrobe, considering the way you behave. Then there is the pathetic need to avow love to any passing Tom, Dick and Harry, whilst still pining after a long dead romance. This shows that commitment does not mean much to you. If you can fall in and out of love so quickly, then it is definitely not ‘LOVE’. It runs more along the lines of lust; but I forgot according to you lusting after anything on two legs is pretty normal. Also it shouts out ‘DESPERATE AUNTY’ to the world. You know, I was once told that people of your kind are a untrustworthy, permanently randy, amoral lot who generally pretend to be scholarly…So far you’ve just proved them right! Where you are from you’d be labeled ‘Looj Kerecter’! I have yet to meet a person with looser morals than you. And then we have your obvious display of favoritism. Am guessing this stems from the need to have a circle of like-minded ‘Derriere-kissers’, who will echo your every stupid word. The fact that said ‘Derriere-kissers’ have the IQ of a peanut does not matter to you, because you being stupid really does not matter to them. They idolize you as the leader of their stupidity circle. Next let’s discuss betrayal and breaking of promises, shall we? You know, where I come from we do give our word or make promises lightly, for breaking a promise or going back on one’s word means you’re an untrustworthy, dishonest person. Do not give your word unless you can stick to it. But to you, these seem like petty issues. Then why promise in the first place, if your intention all along was to break it? As I said above, to an amoral person like you this would seem a paltry issue to leave broken promises in your wake. I can only attribute this to your perfidious nature. In my opinion, you should be renamed duplicity. Your need to boast, be it your capabilities (limited as they are) or your sexual escapades screams of low self-esteem and your inability to perform. I am not a prude, but washing dirty linen in public has never been my style. It is more suited to your exhibitionist tendencies. Your disregard for modesty and societal norms and making a public spectacle of yourself speaks of you being a social and cultural delinquent. Your blatant disrespect for others privacy speaks of your lack of proper education and improper upbringing. A little while ago, you alluded to my mental state as ‘unhinged and unbalanced’. Pray tell me, on what authority, or psychiatric degree did you base that allegation on? What do you think people’s evaluation of your psyche would be?
With all these flaws and more, you want to bring about a change in society. What sort of role model would you be to young, impressionable minds? All they would learn will be to ridicule or belittle others. Our society definitely does not need more hooligans. Heck! They should ban you from public life, that’s how poisonous you are. You know, you’re like a noxious weed that spreads among vegetation; if left unattended, your presence and influence can corrupt and destroy without any hope of salvation. If only your elders had taken it upon themselves to bring you up well with proper educative measures, then I wouldn’t have to write this letter. Is it any wonder that the search for your elusive love hasn’t ended? He doesn’t want to be found at all! After all, there is only so much room for compromise in a relationship; he definitely wouldn’t want to deal with SO MUCH STUPID. I hope for the child’s sake you do not decide to reproduce; the world cannot handle another miniature, ill-mannered, overweight, over-sexed child as you! Of course, I harbor no illusions that you will endeavor to better yourself after reading this. You might even put it aside saying my view of the world is parochial! Such is your way.
Far be it from me to give you any advice, I would still like to say one last bit…WEAR A PROPER SIZED BRA! If not for your sake, please spare the rest of the sighted world that horrendous sight! With that I bid you adieu. No thanks offered for the unpleasant, distasteful, horrific memory of you.
Disgusted and definitely not yours,
No X’s or O’s