We are leaving on a Jet Plane

I don’t know when was the last time you paid attention to the airline announcement on board- I mostly  do. You got to keep in mind where the Exit Doors are . That is serious stuff.  But most of them are plain invasion of my movie screen.  Don’t agree with me then sample this.

5) This is your captain speaking- we are flying at some 25000 Ft above sea level or something and the ground speed is 850 Kms per hr. The outside temperature is some minus 35 degrees or so. Can someone please explain to me why I need to know this. Is the reason why the coffee is a bit cold. And captain, please don’t try and impress me with the speed. When I land in Delhi and hire a taxi, the ground speed will be 50kms per hour but it will feel like 850 Kms per hour and not like here on this flight where what ever is the ground speed it always feel like we have stopped for a mid air loo break.

4) Ladies and Gentleman- We are in “Air” or “We”  have landed. Yes I can see that. Thank you very much. There is a 3rd option too. But let’s not go there. I have a flight to catch in 2 weeks.

3) These are the names of the Air Hostess, they are from these nationalities and they speak many languages. Very good- I can brush up my spanish on the flight. But please do not forget to add that despite any language you use we will still not give you that extra drink that you asked for :).

2) If you are sitting next to a emergency seat : In case of emergency landing please make sure that the area outside the aircraft is safe and secure and then only open the emergency door. Please make sure the people disembark in a orderly fashion. Hello,   if there is an emergency I will be the first one out of the door ; people can bark-embark in what ever fashion they like.

1) Smoking is prohibited at all times on this flight including in the toilets. Please do not tamper the sensor in the toilet as it is an offense to do the same. People, you have taken away my lighter, my matchstick my fire.  Howsoever smoking hot the girl next seat is I still cannot light my cigarette. So please stop wasting my and your time.

 

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